


Get Myself Back

by heir2slytherin



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Endgame, basically just me coping through bucky, very very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:28:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29591421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heir2slytherin/pseuds/heir2slytherin
Summary: “It took me a long time to teach myself that I deserved love,” Bucky blurted out. Sam slowly turned around. “After a while, I really believed that I did. Steve, he, uh made me believe that I did. I wanted to die when I woke up. I deserved to die, but he told me that I was worth the world, and I believed him. I believed him, and then he fucking left me. He took that belief with him. If the only other person who believed I deserved to be loved left me, then I knew that I didn’t deserve anything. He fought for me, and then he gave up on me. I gave up on myself too.“Then, um, I realized that he never fought for me. It was never for me,” Bucky explained. “I came to terms with that part of it. I still wasn’t sure about the whole ‘deserving love’ thing quite yet, but then there was you. You helped me when I was in my darkest place, and it wasn’t for you. You helped me because you wanted me to be better. Steve never did that. He saved me so that he could have me. You helped me because you wanted me to get myself back."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 62





	Get Myself Back

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Let me start by saying that I love Steve Rogers more than anything, and he will always be one of my comfort characters. I don't hate him, but I do hate his ending and what he did to Bucky. So this is basically me getting all my emotions about it out. Anyway, I hope you like it.
> 
> Also, here's a playlist that goes along with the story. The songs go in order :) 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Z9GcYEKKDkxultMSGo2ML?si=YBoZ4MjrSzuDh0TZudygNw

Call him crazy, but Bucky assumed that when he came back from being turned to dust, he and Steve were finally going to get their happy ending. It would’ve been poetic. It was sappy, and Bucky was hardly a sap, but he thought he could allow being a sap this one time. 

Their story was already poetic and sappy and beautiful. Best friends who were always in love, but never together, torn apart by war and death. Best friend comes back from the dead but is horribly brainwashed and evil. Brainwashed assassin gets unbrainwashed just in time to get turned into dust. Then, of course, he comes back from being turned to dust. 

If Bucky was being completely honest, it seemed like a complete waste to not get a happy ending after that. He knew they had to take advantage of it because God only knew if they were going to get another chance. So, when everything died down, and Steve told Bucky that they needed to talk, Bucky expected it to be the happy ending talk. 

Call him crazy, but Bucky wasn’t expecting the conversation that he received. 

...

Bucky walked into the guest room he and Steve were sharing at Tony’s cabin just like he was asked to. He honest to God expected Steve to be on his goddamn knee when he walked in, no matter how cheesy that was. Instead, he saw a very distraught Steve pacing back and forth. 

“Steve?” Bucky asked. “What’s going on? What did you want to talk about?”

“I’m going to put the stones back where they belong,” Steve explained.  _ Weird way to start this conversation _ , Bucky thought to himself.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he questioned. Steve stopped pacing and looked at Bucky. 

  
  


“No, no, you have to stay here,” Steve stated. Bucky’s eyebrows shot up toward his hairline. 

“And why’s that? Since when do we go on missions alone?”

“I’m staying in the past,” Steve said, looking straight into Bucky’s eyes. Bucky’s eyebrows fell back down into a straight furrow. “I’m staying in the forties with Peggy.”

“Peggy?” Bucky tested the name on his tongue. “I’m sorry. What?”

“She’s the love of my life, Buck.”

“She’s the  _ what _ ?”

“I thought you would be happy for me,” Steve said sadly.

“Happy?  _ Happy _ ? Why the  _ hell  _ would I be happy about this?” Bucky questioned angrily. “You’re throwing  _ everything _ away to be with someone who you knew for a week? She’s not the love of your fucking life. You don’t even know her!”

“Bucky,” Steve chastised, shaking his head. “I love her. I would give up the world for her.”

“Yeah, well, last I checked, the only person you gave up the world for was me,” Bucky stated, biting his tongue afterward. He felt tears beginning to come up. “Why are you leaving me? I don’t understand. Am I not enough?”

“You’re perfect, Bucky,” Steve said, pushing some of Bucky’s hair behind his ear. Bucky backed away from him. “It’s just that I think it’s time that I take a nice retirement.”

“You can’t retire with me? You can’t have a happy life with me?”

“Buck.”

“When are you going?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“So we have tonight?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded. “I can’t convince you to stay. I know that. I deserve more than one night. I deserve to be happy and in love for the rest of my life, but I’ll settle for tonight. I assume that that’s something you want to, otherwise you wouldn’t have told me.”

“You deserve more,” Steve stated. Bucky entered into his space.

“Yeah, I do,” Bucky responded, lips not an inch away from Steve’s. He held Steve’s t-shirt in his hands. “But I deserve a proper goodbye as well.”

...

Steve left and came back in a matter of seconds. He lived a whole goddamn life, but it was only a few seconds for Bucky. Bucky was seething with rage the entire time. He knew that it must’ve seemed odd that he wasn’t going crazy with worry, and he knew it was completely out of character for him to send Sam to Steve first.

“Did you know?” Sam quietly asked Bucky when he was done talking to Steve. Bucky just nodded silently. “You should go talk to him.”

“I really, really don’t want to,” Bucky replied. Sam made a disappointed face, but Bucky didn’t have the energy for that either. “Fine.”

“Buck,” Steve said happily when Bucky sat down on the bench next to him. “I missed you.” Bucky only hummed in response. “You didn’t miss me?”

“You were only gone a few seconds,” Bucky said flatly. 

“Are you mad at me?”

“No,” Bucky answered. He let out a breathy laugh. “I don’t really care. I’m numb right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not, and that’s okay. It’s your life, and clearly, I don’t have a place in that anymore.”

“You’re always going to have a place in my life.”

“Really?” Bucky questioned sarcastically. “Is that so? Then, I’m sure this will be an easy question to answer. When you were back in the past, did you try to save me? Your best friend, your previous lover, who was being tortured, did you try to save him?”

“I…” Steve began. “I couldn’t. You know that. I couldn’t mess up time like that.”   
  


“So you were fine with completely uprooting Peggy’s life, but you couldn’t be bothered to go get me? That’s fine, Steve. If you didn’t care enough to help me, that’s okay, but fucking own up to it,” Bucky told him. 

“I do love you. I…I did,” Steve assured him. Bucky nodded. 

“I know. Just not as much as you loved her, and not nearly enough as I loved you.”

...

It was only a few days later that Steve died. It’s not like they weren’t expecting it; he was exceptionally old. Another funeral wasn’t exactly what the group needed at the time, but they put one on nonetheless. 

It was a nice service. Not that Bucky would know as he was completely shitfaced the entire time. He stayed quiet for the most part. That was until the dinner afterward. Everyone was eating and telling their favorite stories about Steve. Bucky took a sip of his drink, smiled, and put it down on the table.

“You have a story to share, Bucky?” Scott asked. 

“Yes, I do,” Bucky slurred. “I came out to Steve when we were fifteen years old. It just kind of happened. I wouldn’t have planned to do it. It was the fucking thirties. Anyway, before he had the courage to come out to me, he said, ‘I still love you, Buck. I’m never gonna leave you. I’m with you till the end of the line.’”

“That’s sweet,” Wanda offered, but Bucky didn’t pay her any mind. 

“Til the end of the fucking line. That was his little phrase. He said to me all the time. Every time I was sad or in danger, ‘til the end of the line,’” Bucky said with a bitter laugh. “He didn’t say it to me again before he died. The one time I needed to hear it. He just fucking left me. First, for her, and then he just fucking died. ‘Til the end of the line my ass.”

“Bucky,” Sam cut in, eyes wide and upset. He watched Bucky down the rest of his drink. “I think that’s enough for tonight. Why don’t we head home?”

“What fucking home?” Bucky asked, causing everyone to look at him. “I lived alone in a shack in Wakanda. Of course, we could always go back to Steve’s apartment that I lived in for quite some time as well.”

“My place. We can go to my place,” Sam told him. 

“I’m not a fucking baby, pigeon,” Bucky spat. “I don’t need you to take care of me.”

“I know that,” Sam said softly. “Let’s just go, okay?”

“Fine, but I’m drinking there,” Bucky agreed. Sam groaned and helped Bucky up, out of the hall, and into the car. He was complaining the whole time, but eventually, he passed out in the passenger seat. 

“Bucky,” Sam said, shaking him when they arrived at Sam’s apartment complex. He realized that that wasn’t going to work, so he decided to just get out of the car and help. He managed to get Bucky to his feet and start walking up to his apartment. 

“He left me,” Bucky murmured so low that Sam wasn’t sure he heard him right. Sam pressed the button to the elevator and stepped inside, Bucky still heavily leaning on him. “He left me, Sam.”

“I know,” Sam whispered back. He had never seen Bucky this vulnerable, and he felt like he was intruding for a number of reasons. 

“I loved him so much,” Bucky whispered back as the elevator doors opened. Neither one of them said anything as they walked to Sam’s apartment. Once they got inside, Sam led Bucky to his bedroom. 

“Alright, let’s lay you down here,” Sam said, sitting Bucky down on the bed, but Bucky resisted. 

“No,” he groaned. “Couch. This is your bed.”

“It’s okay, Bucky. You can take the bed tonight,” Sam assured him. Bucky nodded and laid down. “Do you need anything else?”

“‘M good,” Bucky replied. Sam turned to leave the room, but he heard Bucky whisper, “I loved him so much, Sam, but I wasn’t good enough.”

Sam nodded sadly before shutting off the light and closing the door. He wasn’t entirely sure what he had gotten himself into, but he did know that it was Captain America’s job to take care of Bucky Barnes. 

...

Sam was up early the next morning. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. “Up early” implies that he went to sleep at all, and “sleep” was an over-exaggeration for his restless night on his living room couch. Either way, he was exhausted sitting at his kitchen counter anxiously waiting for Bucky to wake up. He knew that they needed to talk, but he also knew that Bucky was not big on talking. 

“Wilson?” Sam heard Bucky’s groggy voice from the hallway. He then appeared in the kitchen. “What the hell happened?”

“You drank three times your body weight,” Sam explained, getting up to pour Bucky a cup of coffee. Bucky sat down across from Sam at the counter and accepted the drink. 

“I’m not even able to get drunk,” Bucky murmured. 

“Well, you could’ve fooled me,” Sam replied with a smirk. Bucky glared at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Bucky stated flatly. Sam nodded. Then he yawned. “Tired?”

“Extremely. The couch isn’t exactly the best place to sleep,” Sam responded, taking a sip of his coffee. “And that is precisely why we’re moving.”

“What?” Bucky asked, eyes wide. Sam chuckled lightly. 

“We’re gonna get a two-bedroom,” Sam told him. “I’m not taking no for an answer. Not that you would have any reason to say no. I’m just giving you a roof over your head. It’s a kindness really.”

“Oh, shut up,” Bucky said, but he was smiling. “You really want to live with me?”

“No,” Sam replied plainly, but then his face cracked into a grin. Bucky smiled back, and that was just the beginning. 

...

It didn’t take Sam and Bucky long to find an apartment they liked. They moved into their new place less than a week after they decided to move in together. Living together was definitely the right call. This way Sam could keep an eye on Bucky at all times. 

Bucky wasn’t doing well. Not that that was a surprise because he hadn’t been doing well since the forties. He wasn’t okay before, and Steve leaving shattered whatever was left of him. Sam knew that if he left Bucky to his own devices, it would’ve been a disaster. 

It had been months since Steve when Sam had had enough. At first, he really wanted Bucky to cope however was necessary, but after a while, Sam knew that it needed to stop. He came to this startling realization in the middle of the night when he heard crying and things crashing coming from the bathroom. 

“Bucky?” Sam asked, terrified as he walked closer to the bathroom. He pushed the door open and saw Bucky standing in front of the mirror. There were tears streaming down his face, and he was holding Sam’s electric razor.

“He loved my hair,” Bucky said angrily. He was looking at Sam through the mirror. “He loved it when we were kids, and he loved it before he left. His hands were always in it, and that is the only thing I can think of when I look in the mirror.”

“Okay,” Sam replied, nodding. “Do you want me to help?”

“Would you mind?” Bucky asked, looking into Sam’s eyes through the glass. Sam smiled softly. Bucky already knew the answer to the question. Sam stepped forward and took the clippers from Bucky’s hand. 

“How short are we talking?” Sam questioned, inspecting Bucky’s hair. 

“Buzzcut,” Bucky replied. Sam’s heart broke a little bit but he did as he was told. 

Sam was being incredibly careful as he touched and cut Bucky’s hair. He knew that this was something that Bucky was vulnerable about, and he didn’t want to trigger him in any way. It was incredibly hard to do that, though, when Bucky would roll his neck like  _ that _ . 

“All done,” Sam said, voice barely above a whisper. Whatever the hell just happened was the most intimate thing they ever did, and it was greatly affecting Sam. He finally looked at Bucky’s full head in the mirror, and that affected him even more. “You like it? Did I do a good job?”

“I love it,” Bucky answered, moving closer to the mirror. He rubbed his head and smiled to himself. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Sam said with a smile. He left the bathroom and went to his room. He threw himself onto the bed with a huff. “Fuck.”

...

Obviously, after that whole mess, Sam knew that he needed to do something. He needed to help Bucky. He also knew that there was something new to how he felt about Bucky, but now was not the time to worry about that. His only concern was helping the man who was currently sitting on the couch after a mission that exhausted both of them.

“Man, I am wiped,” Bucky said, putting his feet up on the coffee table. “Maybe I’ll actually sleep through the night tonight.”

Sam hummed, but he hated what that statement suggested. He hated that Bucky wasn’t sleeping. He hated all of it. He knew that it was now or never.

“Did Steve ever tell you about Riley? My Riley?” Sam asked. Bucky raised an eyebrow at him, and Sam took that as a no. “He was my best friend. Somewhere along the line, we fell in love, and he became my entire world. I loved him with my entire being.

“He died when we were in the Air Force together. It absolutely destroyed me. It was the worst and darkest time in my life,” Sam explained. “I didn’t think I would ever get out of that place. He was my person, and he wasn’t there to help me anymore. Being with him, talking to him, it would make me feel better immediately, and I didn’t have that anymore. So, I wrote him a letter, and it helped. I got closure. I miss him every single day, but it doesn’t hurt like it used to.”

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Bucky said softly. Sam smiled at him. “Did the letter really help?”

“It did,” Sam told him. “I can’t promise you that it’ll help you the same way it helped me, but I do think that maybe you should try. Just give it a try, okay?”

“Anything for you, Sammy my boy,” Bucky replied, grinning. Sam rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, Barnes. I’m going to shower,” Sam said, pushing Bucky’s shoulder before getting off the couch. He heard Bucky clear his throat, and he turned around. 

“Thank you,” Bucky said genuinely. He looked Sam in the eyes, and that feeling of intimacy from the night before hit them both again. 

“Anything for you, Bucky my boy.”

...

It was a few hours later, and Bucky was sitting on his bed with a notebook on his lap. He ripped out yet another page, crumpled it up, and groaned. He took a deep breath and started again.

_ Dear Steve, _

_ I’ve tried to start this about ten times, but I keep starting over. I’m not gonna start over this time though. I have a lot of feelings about all of this, and as we both know, I’m not great with feelings. I need to get it all out though. _

_ I don’t want to be mad at you. I have never been mad at you, but there have been so many times when you deserved for me to be mad at you. I loved you too much, though. I loved you too much to see that what you were doing warranted me being mad. I loved you too much, and you were too selfish.  _

_ You were always selfish from day one. You were sick, and you said you were fine because you wanted to play football with the rest of us. You got pneumonia after that, Steve. You could’ve died.  _

_ You got into fights with people who could have easily killed you because you wanted to. You didn’t care that your ma cried herself to sleep at night because she was so worried about you. You didn’t care that I was terrified to find you dead in some alley.  _

_ Then, you kept trying to get into the war even though you knew that you would die. You were going to die, Stevie. There was no other way. I was selfish at that point. I was so happy that they wouldn’t let you fight. I didn’t want you to die. Do you see the difference, Steve? I was selfish because I wanted you to live. I was selfish for you.  _

_ Then, you showed up all not you. You changed yourself because you wanted something so badly. You didn’t change yourself because you wanted to save the world. You just wanted the glory. You were selfish.  _

_ Then, a century later, you broke laws because you were selfish. Don’t tell me that you did that for me. I would have believed you if you told me that a few years ago, but not now. I know better now.  _

_ I wish you did it for me. I hoped for years that one day, one day you would be selfish for me. For us. I thought that you felt the same way. I thought that you were finally ready to settle down with me after everything that happened. You had one last piece of selfishness in you, and I thought you were going to use it for us.  _

_ But, of course, you used it for her. How could I be so stupid? How could I expect you to ever put anyone before yourself? Did you know that she had a family? She had kids, kids who don’t exist anymore thanks to you. You messed up the entire universe because you wanted to fuck some dame you met a hundred years ago.  _

_ So, yeah, now I’m mad, and I have every right to be mad. I love you. I loved you. I’ll probably always love you, but I really don’t want to be in this pain anymore. I don’t want to be in agony anymore. I want to let this all go.  _

_ I don’t forgive you. I’m not ready for that yet, and I’m not sure when that is going to be. I do know that I love you, and I hate hating you. I hate how I feel. I know that you loved me. Even though that wasn’t enough to keep you here, it is enough to get me through the day. _

_ I’m going to have a good life. I am. I’ll keep our memories (the good ones) with me until the end, but I think that it might be time to put that behind me. I’ll put you in a little box in my mind where you’ll be happy, and I’ll get to be happy too.  _

_ I hope that you had a nice life without me. I’m sure that sounds very bitter, but it’s only a little bitter. That’s what you do for the people you love, Steve. You hope that they’re happy, even if it’s not with you.  _

_ Wow, I really thought I was done, but I just can’t seem to end this. I guess I just miss talking to you. I miss you every second of the day, and I’m always going to miss you. It’s okay though. It’s all going to be okay. I’m going to move on, and everything is going to be fine. I’m going to be fine, Steve. I’m going to be fine without you.  _

_ You were the one who decided that this was the end of the line, and now I’m deciding that I’m not with you anymore.  _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Bucky  _

Bucky closed the notebook and slept through the night for the first time in months. 

...

Sam didn’t want to say that Bucky was magically healed, but he was certainly  _ better _ than he was before. He was  _ smiling _ and  _ laughing _ , and it was making Sam’s heart fucking soar. Bucky was sitting next to him on the couch laughing at the movie they were watching, and Sam couldn’t stop staring at him.

“What are you looking at, Wilson?” Bucky asked, not looking away from the tv. Sam’s face heated up so much that he thought he was on fire. 

“Just admiring my handiwork,” Sam explained, turning his attention to Bucky’s hair, which was growing in nicely. 

“Oh, yeah?” Bucky asked, turning his head to face Sam at last. “You think it looks good?”

“Yeah,” Sam replied softly, internally freaking out. “It looks real good, Bucky.”

“Yeah?” Bucky questioned, voice just above a whisper. He made eye contact with Sam, and something just changed in the air. “It’s really soft now that it’s short.”

“Can I...Can I, uh…?” Sam tried to ask, but it didn’t come out. Bucky just smiled at him and nodded. Sam bit his lip and slid his hand into Bucky’s hair. “You’re right. It’s very soft.”

“Thank you,” Bucky said, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Sam told him. Bucky raised an eyebrow at him. “I like it when you smile.”

“Haven’t had much of a reason to smile recently, but, um, you helped me with that,” Bucky explained. Sam’s fingers tightened in his hair, and his eyes fluttered closed. 

“Glad I could help,” Sam whispered, face only a few inches away from Bucky’s where they were sitting turned into each other on the couch.

“It would help even more if you kissed me,” Bucky stated. Sam’s eyes went wide before his pupils enlarged. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“Positive. Kiss me.” 

Sam took a deep breath before leaning forward and connecting his lips with Bucky’s. They were both hesitant at first, but when Bucky made an attempt to deepen the kiss, Sam immediately allowed for it to happen. He pushed Bucky down so he was lying on the couch was Sam leaning over him. 

“You’re still sure?” Sam asked, hovering for a moment. 

“If you don’t get your pretty face down here and kiss me, I’m going to break your wings.”

“Aw, you think my face is pretty,” Sam said, ducking down to give Bucky a chaste kiss on the cheek. He smirked before moving down to kiss Bucky’s neck. 

“Oh my God,” Bucky groaned. He could feel his pants getting tighter, and he was embarrassed for a second until he bucked up and realized they were in the same boat. 

Sam pushed Bucky’s hips down with his own and ground slightly, not wanting to move too fast. Bucky pulled Sam’s face up to his lips again, and Sam happily obliged. His hands began to wander down Bucky’s torso until they found the waistband of his boxers.

“Don’t ask me if I’m sure again,” Bucky said between pants. “I’m fucking positive. Do whatever you want as long as you’re okay with it.”

“You got it, Sergeant,” Sam responded, and the moan he received made him almost die. “Like that?”

“Yes,” Bucky whispered. Sam smiled to himself before placing a light kiss on Bucky’s lips. His lips then began to trail to where his hands currently were. 

“You’re in for the night of your life, Sergeant Barnes.”

...

Needless to say, that was not the only time that happened. It became a pretty regular thing between the two of them. They hadn’t really talked about it, which Sam, ever the therapist, wasn’t happy with, but he wasn’t exactly ready to stop doing it. 

“Buck,” Sam said in between moans as Bucky kissed greedily at Sam’s neck. “Maybe we should talk.”

“I think I’d much rather keep doing what I’m doing, thanks,” Bucky replied into the skin he was sucking at. Sam rolled his eyes, from both pleasure and annoyance. 

“Bucky,” Sam breathed out. Bucky pulled away and looked Sam in the eye.

“Look, Sam, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want, but I’m pretty sure you’re enjoying yourself,” Bucky informed, smirking as he ran his hand up Sam’s thigh. “Sure, we could talk, or I  could do the tongue thing.”

“The tongue thing?” Sam asked, knowing exactly what Bucky was referring to. Bucky smirked and nodded. Sam bit his lip. “That’s not fair, Barnes. You know I can’t say no to that.”

“I know full well, darlin’,” Bucky replied, kissing behind Sam’s ear. 

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Sam stated. Bucky nodded in a “yeah, sure, whatever you say” way. “Now, get down there.”

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

...

Sam planned to stick to his word, even if Bucky didn’t have that same plan. So, the next night when Bucky sat down next to Sam on the couch, fully prepared to repeat the events of the night before, Sam stopped him.

“So, we’re actually gonna talk?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah,” Sam responded. Bucky groaned and not in the way that normally made Sam’s stomach flip. “This is really fun, and I really care about you. But, um, I want more.”

“More?” Bucky asked. 

“More,” Sam confirmed. “I want a real relationship.”

“Oh, so you want to stop this so that you can get into a real relationship.”

“What? No, of course, not. I want a real relationship with you,” Sam explained. Bucky’s eyes went wide, and he jumped off the couch and started pacing. Sam remained sitting. “If that’s something you’re interested in, obviously. And, if it’s about not being ready, I can wait until you’re ready. I just want to know if there’s any chance at us having a future.”

“There’s not,” Bucky said plainly, not looking at Sam. Now, it was Sam’s turn to stand up. 

“What?”

“Come on, Sam. We both know what this is,” Bucky told him, turning around to look at Sam. “We started this as a way to make me feel better after Steve, and you know it.”

“That’s not why I started it,” Sam replied softly and sincerely. Bucky let out a bitter laugh. 

“Well, it’s why I started it,” Bucky informed him. “That’s all you are, Sam. You’re just a replacement for Captain America, for the whole world, but especially for me. And you know that deep down all I am is a replacement for Riley.”

Bucky regretted it the moment it left his mouth. He had no idea what had taken over him in that moment. He didn’t believe any of those things. He cared so much about Sam, and the look on Sam’s face shattered Bucky’s heart into a million pieces. 

“I’m gonna go,” Bucky said. Sam nodded, but then his eyes went wide. 

“Wait, no, where are you gonna go?” Sam asked, worried. 

“Just for a walk,” Bucky responded. “I’ll be back.”

“Okay,” Sam said, and with that, Bucky was gone. Sam flopped down onto the couch that Bucky picked out for their apartment. “Fuck.”

...

Two hours later, Sam was positive that Bucky was never coming back. He told himself that Bucky must’ve cut his losses and moved on. Sam fucked everything up, and he knew it. He felt it too. He felt like absolute shit as he sat in Bucky’s bed wearing the hoodie that Bucky always told him was his favorite of Sam’s. He was about to start crying when he heard a knock on the door. He got up from the bed, unaware of who could possibly be at the door.

“Hey,” Bucky greeted when Sam opened the door. “I forgot my key. Sorry.”

“No worries,” Sam responded, walking away from the door to let Bucky in. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and started walking towards his room. 

“It took me a long time to teach myself that I deserved love,” Bucky blurted out. Sam slowly turned around. “After a while, I really believed that I did. Steve, he, uh made me believe that I did. I wanted to die when I woke up. I deserved to die, but he told me that I was worth the world, and I believed him. I believed him, and then he fucking left me. He took that belief with him. If the only other person who believed I deserved to be loved left me, then I knew that I didn’t deserve anything. He fought for me, and then he gave up on me. I gave up on myself too.

“Then, um, I realized that he never fought for me. It was never for me,” Bucky explained. “I came to terms with that part of it. I still wasn’t sure about the whole ‘deserving love’ thing quite yet, but then there was you. You helped me when I was in my darkest place, and it wasn’t for you. You helped me because you wanted me to be better. Steve never did that. He saved me so that he could have me. You  _ helped  _ me because you wanted me to get myself back.

“I know that I deserve love, and so do you. You are the kindest to ever exist. You deserve to be Captain America, probably more than Steve did. You’re not a replacement for anything, and I know that I’m not either. I  _ know _ that, and I’m so sorry that I let you believe anything else. If you still want, we can have a future together because as far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a universe where you aren’t in my life for the long run, Sam Wilson,” Bucky stated, finishing his little speech. He was looking into Sam’s eyes but Sam was just standing there not saying anything. Then, Sam broke eye contact by looking at the floor. 

“After Riley died, I never thought I was going to love anyone ever again,” Sam stated. “And that was okay because I thought that he was the love of my life. I know now that sometimes you’re lucky enough to have more than one great love in your life. I only know that because of you. I didn’t know it was possible until I met you.

“You’re not a replacement for Riley, and you never will be. I’m always going to love Riley, and you’re always going to Steve. That doesn’t mean that we can’t love each other,” Sam explained. He smiled. “I do, by the way. I do love you, so much.”

“Oh, God, I love you so fucking much, Sam,” Bucky said, face splitting into a grin. “I need you to know that you’re not less than Steve in any way.”

“I know,” Sam said softly. He took a few steps forward so he was closer to Bucky. He played with the hem of Bucky’s shirt. “You love me?”

“I love you,” Bucky whispered back. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“When did you turn into such a sap, Barnes?”

“The moment I laid eyes on you, sweetheart,” Bucky joked, but he gave Sam a sweet kiss on the cheek all the same. “What do you say, Sammy? Wanna consummate this new relationship?”

“I don’t think that’s how that works at all, but yes, I do,” Sam replied, chuckling lightly before leaning forward to kiss Bucky.

...

Several hours later, Bucky was nuzzled under Sam’s arm in Sam’s bed. Well, he supposed that it was probably going to be their bed from now on. With that thought in his mind, he drifted into a deep sleep.

_ Bucky was back in his Brooklyn apartment in the forties. He smiled to himself as he looked around. Then, he saw a shadow in his old room.  _

_ “Hello?” Bucky asked, moving toward his room. _

_ “Hey, Buck,” a voice said. All of the sudden, Steve, young Steve, was standing in front of Bucky. “I missed ya, jerk.” _

_ “You’re dead,” Bucky said incredulously. “You died.” _ _   
_

_ “This is very clearly a dream,” Steve informed him. “It’s me, and I’m talking to you, but you’re asleep.” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “No, please don’t.” _

_ “I am sorry though,” Steve stated. “Extremely. The way I treated you was horrible, and I feel awful. I don’t regret what we had, I don’t regret our time together, but I also don’t regret my time with Peggy.” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ “I really did love you,” Steve said. “And I miss you more than words can say.” _

_ “I miss you too, Steve, and I love you. I’ll always love you, but I really do think that it’s time to put you in the past,” Bucky stated, a tear falling from his eye. “It’s time for me to get my happy ending or middle or whatever. It’s time for me to live my life without you.” _

_ “With Sam,” Steve said, a grin taking over his face. Bucky blushed. “I’m happy for you, both of you.” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Of course.” _

_ “Thank you,” Bucky said, voice just above a whisper.  _

_ “I hope you have a very happy life, Buck.” _

_ “I think I will,” Bucky replied, looking down at the floor trying to hide his smile. “I’ll see you on the other side, pal.” _

_ “Hopefully a long, long time from now.” _

...

Bucky woke up with a smile on his face, but that smile went away when he realized that Sam wasn’t with him in bed anymore. He rubbed his eyes and groaned before getting out of the bed. When he walked out into the hallway, he smelled food cooking. The smile returned. 

Sam was standing in front of the stove diligently cooking eggs just how he knew Bucky liked them. He was wearing sweats and no shirt, and Bucky’s heart skipped. He quietly walked up to him, wrapped his arms around his waist, and planted a kiss on the back of his neck. 

“Sleep good?” Sam asked, turning his face so that Bucky could kiss him. 

“Very,” Bucky responded against Sam’s lips. Sam smiled and Bucky kissed him again. 

“What’s got you so romantic this morning?” Sam asked, turning back to his eggs.

“Just love you is all,” Bucky explained, tightening his arms around Sam’s waist and hooking his chin over Sam’s shoulder. 

“I like hearing you say that,” Sam whispered.

“I like saying it,” Bucky whispered back. “I’m sure I’d like to hear you say it even more though, sweetheart.”

“I love you, old man,” Sam said with a smile. Bucky rolled his eyes. He pulled away with a groan.

“Nah, you hate me,” Bucky joked, sitting down at the counter. Sam rolled his eyes and put the eggs on a plate for Bucky.

“If I hated you, would I go out of my way to make your disgusting ass over easy eggs?” Sam asked, putting the place in front of Bucky.

“Maybe,” Bucky pouted. Sam raised his eyebrows at him. “Fine, maybe you love me.”

“Mhm,” Sam responded. 

“Hey,” Bucky said, grabbing Sam’s hand before he went back to the stove to make his own breakfast. “I want to have happy mornings like this for the rest of our lives.”

“I can make that happen,” Sam said, planting a kiss on top of Bucky’s head. 

Call him crazy, but Bucky thought that he finally met his soulmate. In fact, he knew it, and he knew he was going to have the happiest life with Sam. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it!


End file.
